Plans

A few months ago, I was explaining the psychology behind my problems with food to someone close to me, and they replied, "But isn't this just so boring? Aren't there more important and more interesting things you could think about?"

Yes, there are. I often grow weary with my own self-centredness, and the self-centredness of the bloggers whose prose is a testament to nothing more than their own struggles. Being obsessed with weight loss and never losing any weight has been a way for me to put my own interests on hold for years. Yet if I didn't try to work on my problems, I would be an angry dysfunctional mess. I think there's a fine balance. Talking and thinking about food so much is boring! But I try to remind myself that food is just a proxy for all the ways I struggle to process anger and sadness and sensitivity to criticism and rejection. I also try to remind myself that life and the real world outside my skull is pretty exciting. I might try to inject some of that here.

But for now, we come back to the food. I spoke to my therapist and the plan is to eat whatever I want - not following the PCOS diet or any kind of restriction - but not emotionally eating or overeating. In other words, eating mindfully. I have to admit, food mindfulness makes me a sullen girl. I throw silent tantrums because focusing on food is *boring* and I just want to read on my phone or watch TV or flick through the paper. Also, the moment I am served a meal I didn't prepare myself, mindfulness tends to fly out the window. I guess this is why we are focusing on mindfulness eh.

To be honest it is a bit difficult to let myself enjoy an icecream when I am the absolute fattest I have ever, ever, ever been, objectively well into the obese category. It is really hard to accept the fact that my face is a ball of fat. Still, it is what it is. I am sure that becoming more mindful is one step closer to being comfortable; setting restrictions on myself is one step away.