Day 5

... was not so great. I overslept, and alarmingly I spent way, way, way too much time lost on the Internet (procrastinating from some study I have to do).

If I wrote about my attempts to eat less, they would be ludicrous, the stuff of reality television where the fatties look shocked upon being told that they were filmed eating fish and chips down at the pub. Guys, I only ate *four* pieces of pizza. Not a whole large pizza! Isn't that success!

Look, I'm not going to be a weight-loss sensation overnight, but I am a bit proud of the ability to slow it down a bit. What comes next is the binge mentality: "OK, now we need icecream or baked goods." I whipped up some biscuits and then ate too many of them.

How do I counter that binge mentality?
- One, never ever ever ever ever going on a low-carb diet again, no matter how difficult. It's tough because I feel that I can't trust myself, I might go back to it.
- Two, returning to the old trick of allowing myself to eat a bit of chocolate or a small sweet every day, the equivalent of a fun-size bar. One part of my brain doesn't want to do this - don't I know that I will be stuck fat forever? - but another part thinks that it might be the only way to at least stem the wild overeating.
- Three, mindfulness mindfulness mindfulness. For example, today I woke up and I wanted some of the sourdough bread that we had (probably partially as a backlash to waking up thinking that I should be on a diet - my mum and I had promised to "go hard"). That's fine. However, when it came to eating it, I scoffed it down whilst skimming articles on the internet, not really taking the time to enjoy it. I also ate an extra bit. There were no fruits or vegetables involved with the meal, just goats cheese on bread. I feel better about eating if I sit down with no distractions and take my time.

Bloody hell, this is tough, and also so painfully mundane.

This evening I'm going to have dinner then head over to a friend's. For dinner I'll have some roast veggies, quinoa, and an egg (two would be preferable, but we've run out). Later, I will eat a piece of fun-sized chocolate. I am so looking forward to smashing out the banal stage and getting into the swing of things again.

Things I did for my self-care: paint my nails. That's about it, I blatantly disregarded my self-care yesterday. Today I made my bed because Dear Coquette told me to.

How I am feeling right now: not in touch with my feelings. Exasperated with myself, a little bit frantic that I am falling behind on everything I have to do and wasting my time, a bit hopeless.

Days 3 and 4

The last two days have been two steps forward, one step back.

Right now I am feeling:
- Tired
- Thirsty
- A bit disappointed in myself
- A bit uneasy
- Generally content

I've actually had a lovely two days full of social activity, relaxing, cooking, and being creative. However, as always, I live a two-track existence; parallel to my real life, a world of food and control steams ahead. The last two days definitely have not been perfect or even 'good' in terms of eating.I've noticed that there is a really high element of spontaneity to my choices - in other words I lack impulse control. When I was seeing the psychologist, her solution was as simple as trying to delay the impulse and 'ride out' the wave. I think this is what I have to work on.

There have been other impulsive decisions too. One of the mains reasons that I'm feeling really uneasy is that I spent more than $500 at a sale today, after having spent a lot of money over the past few weeks. This is a bit unusual for me as I would normally consider myself someone who is quite prudent when it comes to clothes shopping - sure I love fashion but I don't go around snapping everything up. I'm hoping to rein this in by simply not going clothes shopping in the next while. I have goals to save for a house and it definitely doesn't make me feel good when I take actions that impede those goals. Other impulsive decisions include staying up til 3:30am to read a book, and dropping things mid-task.

That being said, I did try to work on my thought patterns a bit (yes, I'm aware of how weak and pathetic that sentence sounds). It was a slight shock to remember that I didn't have to have a cookie now because I could have a cookie anytime I wanted.

I think what I need to do now is plan out my meals and provide myself with some more structure, and practice rebuffing impulses.

Man this must be boring to read. Here, I'm presently reading Zadie Smith's review of The Social Network, which I'd read before but I wanted to appreciate her writing.
I'm also enjoying the song Love Me Less by One Day.
I also loooove going to beautiful cafes with friends in a way that has nothing to do with my food problems.

Things I did for my self-care included: going for walks, seeing friends, cooking a delicious healthy meal, reading an enjoyable book, sleeping in, beginning to sort through my wardrobe.

Day 2

Day 2.

My intentions for today are:
- to move slowly
- to enjoy the company of the people I am meeting
- to drink as much water as my body needs
- to not binge
- to not restrict my diet to low-carb

I really like the 'this week I'm seeking pleasure by...' segment from Mara Glatzel. I personally am not sure if seeking pleasure is the key component to having a good life, so I might change it to 'today I'm looking after myself by...':
- seeing my best friends
- enjoying some ballet
- listening to some music that I enjoy - but in the afternoon, not the evening
- getting as much sleep as I need - 10 luxurious hours
- putting on makeup for the first time since Friday
- taking the time to sit down around 6pm and thinking thoughtfully about how I want to spend my evening (so that it doesn't get wasted browsing websites)

This bit was actually harder to write than I thought. Apart from food, the first thing that pops into my head are all the tasks I have to do: unpack my clothes, mail things, finish listening to a lecture, buy paint etc etc. Surely I'm looking after myself by ticking off boxes? Yet somehow I don't think that's what is meant by self-care.

Day 1

It's nice to watch something like that to make you come back home to yourself.

My life has changed a lot in the last few months. I moved, started a new job, spent all my free time looking for another job, didn't get a lot of jobs, finally got a job, and came home. I met people who changed my perspective on things. I matured a bit. I started to feel a lot more comfortable with (and in) myself. I binged haaaard, for weeks on end. I went on a month-long diet. I cried a lot about different things. I enjoyed myself on occasion. I felt stuck and frustrated, but also ok about some things.

Two days ago I moved home and will start the new job in two weeks. I think this is a great time to try and work on my eating again. It sounds like an excuse, and it is an excuse, but in the last few months I just didn't feel like I had the stability - I was constantly flying all over the east coast of Australia, constantly stressed out. Now I can re-establish some semblance of routine.

So what I do know is this: the low-carb diet helped me to lose weight, sure, but it also turned me into a crazy lady (and also one who ate a lot more red meat and a lot fewer vegetables). I'm not going to do that again, no matter how much other people want me to. I seriously think that the thought of continued dieting, or the shame of not successfully dieting, is one of the biggest triggers there is. The thought of having to restrict my social life because of dieting is worse. I am not a big drinker at all - in fact I would happily give up alcohol forever if asked - but I don't like the thought that I can't do something. Likewise, financially I am probably not in a position to eat out much anymore, but I don't like being told that I can't. I'm just so bloody sick of panicking every time I make plans with a friend about what the food there might be.

One of the other biggest triggers I encountered was boredom at work (and easy access to the chocolate stands). Being bored drives me out of my mind, and snacks really helped me get through it. Hopefully with the new job it won't be as much of an issue, but I still need to work out other ways to cope with boredom in case it does come up.

Another trigger was disorganisation or not preparing nice meals. I often get hungry around 4:30, not tummy rumbles but faint I'm-going-to-be-sick-if-I-don't-eat-type hungry. If I don't have food on hand, I will go and find food.

A fourth trigger was just not drinking enough water or exercising enough. I drink a fair amount of water but I am a camel and probably need more than two litres a day. I didn't exercise because I was constantly stressed about the job situation and felt like all my free time should be devoted to getting a job - this 'siege' mentality crops up a fair bit in my life, and it's one I really need to get over.

I'm going to try and blog every day, no matter how banal the results are. My aim is to be in track and to book in another session with the psychologist in two months. I emailed her a while ago to say that I didn't want to have another session until I had put in the hard work myself and was genuinely "in a place" (a wanky phrase, but still) where I needed help making the next step. In fact, I may call tomorrow to set up an appointment for the end of August as an incentive.

So how am I feeling now? Happy to be home, and also happy that my social life is stirring up again after a dull few months in the other city. I am still a bit sad about leaving my first job as I became (unexpectedly) quite emotionally attached to my roles and especially my first supervisor. I'm dealing with this by just letting myself be sad. I also feel quite body confident right now despite being well into one of my higher sizes, I'm not sure why but this seems to be linked into feeling quite confident and grown-up overall. I feel a bit annoyed with a friend or former friend, but unlike the past I am just trying to leave it and let it go. And finally, I feel a teensy bit anxious about the new job - longer hours, less pay, not really that qualified for it. End of day 1. Taking it one day at a time indeed.

Andie Mitchell's TED Talk

It's been a while, huh.

I'm frustrated by the fact that I can't embed Andie Mitchell's wonderful TED talk (on how losing weight does not make life better, and does not help you to deal with feelings), but please do watch it. The link is here.

Life as of 4th February 2014

So obviously I only post when something is going wrong. 

I'm at a point where a deliberate attempt at 'healthy eating' feels like a diet, and bingeing feels like failure. There doesn't seem to be an in-between: either I am successful or I am a failure.

Now, we have been talking a lot about how perfectionism is entirely unhelpful. Logically, I know this. In terms of behaviour, I find it an incredibly difficult idea to implement. This is why I'm here, right? To work through the difficult bits and not give up. But I have been giving up and bingeing every time I perceive that I haven't done something (be it diet or anything else) correctly. Extreme frustration.

So, what can I do? There are really only four imperatives: try harder, reconsider, realise, recognise. Who cares if realise and recognise are near-synonyms? This is not an exercise in eloquence.

1. Try harder to recognise and reframe perfectionist thoughts, writing them down when they occur if possible (even if at work).
2. Try harder to recognise the connection between bingeing and a perceived failure, and delay the binge if not avoid it completely.
3. Reconsider whether I am still (still!!!!! after all this time!!!) holding on to a diet mentality.
4. Recognise that I have not failed at recovery, because there is no such goddamn thing. It is about the process, not the outcome. Life is about the process, not the outcome.
5. Recognise that I still associate healthy eating with becoming an entirely different, better, more organised and successful person.
6. Recognise that I am a sensitive person ('highly sensitive person' if you will) and that my emotions and perceptions do swing around wildly. As a result I do have to take deliberate care in both managing those emotions (not abolishing them) and making myself less susceptible to bingeing.
7. Practise self-care. Practise self-care. Practise self-care. Bingeing is not a valid form of self-care. Flowers and water and a tidy room is self-care.
8. Realise that I tend to view myself as a passive victim of circumstance. I can actively choose to make my life better. I am not in control in the sense that I can do everything perfectly, but I am an agent in my own life, and I can do things to the best of my own ability.
9. Stop the comparisons and competitiveness with other people. It just makes me unhappy.
10. Realise that I can change and I can overcome this horrible disease. I just need to be more vigilant about recovery - as much as I hate the idea and want to get on with living, I need to put recovery at the forefront of my energies and efforts, just like I put my studies and my work and my family at the forefront of my energies.
11. Realise that I am still on the fence about the weight, and that this is maybe causing some of my unhappiness - that desire to still lose weight. Recognise that I want to avoid bingeing so that I can lose weight. Recognise that this is maybe impossible until I accept myself as whole and a sentient being who has an entire soul and personality apart from food and weight. Recognise that this is a recovery in the sense that I want to make myself whole again and recover who I am, a recovery in the intangible sense. The tangible and physical have little bearing on this.
12. Recognise that there is a big element of shame as well around even having this problem, around how I visibly eat a lot more (and more unhealthily) than other people around me, and around how people must look at me and judge me. Realise that this is probably bullshit and I doubt anyone but me cares.
13. Breathe and stay in the present. That's a gentler kind of imperative. You are a soul, think of yourself in terms of your soul instead of just your body.

 Love Nina.

Remember and repeat

Overeating is the biggest trigger of binge eating. In other news, in terms of stress and distress, I have been trying to focus on my breath. I don't think this technique is working, because it actually tries to distract me from my distress rather than acknowledging it. Need to try harder at simply sitting with feelings.