Day 1

It's nice to watch something like that to make you come back home to yourself.

My life has changed a lot in the last few months. I moved, started a new job, spent all my free time looking for another job, didn't get a lot of jobs, finally got a job, and came home. I met people who changed my perspective on things. I matured a bit. I started to feel a lot more comfortable with (and in) myself. I binged haaaard, for weeks on end. I went on a month-long diet. I cried a lot about different things. I enjoyed myself on occasion. I felt stuck and frustrated, but also ok about some things.

Two days ago I moved home and will start the new job in two weeks. I think this is a great time to try and work on my eating again. It sounds like an excuse, and it is an excuse, but in the last few months I just didn't feel like I had the stability - I was constantly flying all over the east coast of Australia, constantly stressed out. Now I can re-establish some semblance of routine.

So what I do know is this: the low-carb diet helped me to lose weight, sure, but it also turned me into a crazy lady (and also one who ate a lot more red meat and a lot fewer vegetables). I'm not going to do that again, no matter how much other people want me to. I seriously think that the thought of continued dieting, or the shame of not successfully dieting, is one of the biggest triggers there is. The thought of having to restrict my social life because of dieting is worse. I am not a big drinker at all - in fact I would happily give up alcohol forever if asked - but I don't like the thought that I can't do something. Likewise, financially I am probably not in a position to eat out much anymore, but I don't like being told that I can't. I'm just so bloody sick of panicking every time I make plans with a friend about what the food there might be.

One of the other biggest triggers I encountered was boredom at work (and easy access to the chocolate stands). Being bored drives me out of my mind, and snacks really helped me get through it. Hopefully with the new job it won't be as much of an issue, but I still need to work out other ways to cope with boredom in case it does come up.

Another trigger was disorganisation or not preparing nice meals. I often get hungry around 4:30, not tummy rumbles but faint I'm-going-to-be-sick-if-I-don't-eat-type hungry. If I don't have food on hand, I will go and find food.

A fourth trigger was just not drinking enough water or exercising enough. I drink a fair amount of water but I am a camel and probably need more than two litres a day. I didn't exercise because I was constantly stressed about the job situation and felt like all my free time should be devoted to getting a job - this 'siege' mentality crops up a fair bit in my life, and it's one I really need to get over.

I'm going to try and blog every day, no matter how banal the results are. My aim is to be in track and to book in another session with the psychologist in two months. I emailed her a while ago to say that I didn't want to have another session until I had put in the hard work myself and was genuinely "in a place" (a wanky phrase, but still) where I needed help making the next step. In fact, I may call tomorrow to set up an appointment for the end of August as an incentive.

So how am I feeling now? Happy to be home, and also happy that my social life is stirring up again after a dull few months in the other city. I am still a bit sad about leaving my first job as I became (unexpectedly) quite emotionally attached to my roles and especially my first supervisor. I'm dealing with this by just letting myself be sad. I also feel quite body confident right now despite being well into one of my higher sizes, I'm not sure why but this seems to be linked into feeling quite confident and grown-up overall. I feel a bit annoyed with a friend or former friend, but unlike the past I am just trying to leave it and let it go. And finally, I feel a teensy bit anxious about the new job - longer hours, less pay, not really that qualified for it. End of day 1. Taking it one day at a time indeed.