... was not so great. I overslept, and alarmingly I spent way, way, way too much time lost on the Internet (procrastinating from some study I have to do).
If I wrote about my attempts to eat less, they would be ludicrous, the stuff of reality television where the fatties look shocked upon being told that they were filmed eating fish and chips down at the pub. Guys, I only ate *four* pieces of pizza. Not a whole large pizza! Isn't that success!
Look, I'm not going to be a weight-loss sensation overnight, but I am a bit proud of the ability to slow it down a bit. What comes next is the binge mentality: "OK, now we need icecream or baked goods." I whipped up some biscuits and then ate too many of them.
How do I counter that binge mentality?
- One, never ever ever ever ever going on a low-carb diet again, no matter how difficult. It's tough because I feel that I can't trust myself, I might go back to it.
- Two, returning to the old trick of allowing myself to eat a bit of chocolate or a small sweet every day, the equivalent of a fun-size bar. One part of my brain doesn't want to do this - don't I know that I will be stuck fat forever? - but another part thinks that it might be the only way to at least stem the wild overeating.
- Three, mindfulness mindfulness mindfulness. For example, today I woke up and I wanted some of the sourdough bread that we had (probably partially as a backlash to waking up thinking that I should be on a diet - my mum and I had promised to "go hard"). That's fine. However, when it came to eating it, I scoffed it down whilst skimming articles on the internet, not really taking the time to enjoy it. I also ate an extra bit. There were no fruits or vegetables involved with the meal, just goats cheese on bread. I feel better about eating if I sit down with no distractions and take my time.
Bloody hell, this is tough, and also so painfully mundane.
This evening I'm going to have dinner then head over to a friend's. For dinner I'll have some roast veggies, quinoa, and an egg (two would be preferable, but we've run out). Later, I will eat a piece of fun-sized chocolate. I am so looking forward to smashing out the banal stage and getting into the swing of things again.
Things I did for my self-care: paint my nails. That's about it, I blatantly disregarded my self-care yesterday. Today I made my bed because Dear Coquette told me to.
How I am feeling right now: not in touch with my feelings. Exasperated with myself, a little bit frantic that I am falling behind on everything I have to do and wasting my time, a bit hopeless.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Days 3 and 4
The last two days have been two steps forward, one step back.
Right now I am feeling:
- Tired
- Thirsty
- A bit disappointed in myself
- A bit uneasy
- Generally content
I've actually had a lovely two days full of social activity, relaxing, cooking, and being creative. However, as always, I live a two-track existence; parallel to my real life, a world of food and control steams ahead. The last two days definitely have not been perfect or even 'good' in terms of eating.I've noticed that there is a really high element of spontaneity to my choices - in other words I lack impulse control. When I was seeing the psychologist, her solution was as simple as trying to delay the impulse and 'ride out' the wave. I think this is what I have to work on.
There have been other impulsive decisions too. One of the mains reasons that I'm feeling really uneasy is that I spent more than $500 at a sale today, after having spent a lot of money over the past few weeks. This is a bit unusual for me as I would normally consider myself someone who is quite prudent when it comes to clothes shopping - sure I love fashion but I don't go around snapping everything up. I'm hoping to rein this in by simply not going clothes shopping in the next while. I have goals to save for a house and it definitely doesn't make me feel good when I take actions that impede those goals. Other impulsive decisions include staying up til 3:30am to read a book, and dropping things mid-task.
That being said, I did try to work on my thought patterns a bit (yes, I'm aware of how weak and pathetic that sentence sounds). It was a slight shock to remember that I didn't have to have a cookie now because I could have a cookie anytime I wanted.
I think what I need to do now is plan out my meals and provide myself with some more structure, and practice rebuffing impulses.
Man this must be boring to read. Here, I'm presently reading Zadie Smith's review of The Social Network, which I'd read before but I wanted to appreciate her writing.
I'm also enjoying the song Love Me Less by One Day.
I also loooove going to beautiful cafes with friends in a way that has nothing to do with my food problems.
Things I did for my self-care included: going for walks, seeing friends, cooking a delicious healthy meal, reading an enjoyable book, sleeping in, beginning to sort through my wardrobe.
Right now I am feeling:
- Tired
- Thirsty
- A bit disappointed in myself
- A bit uneasy
- Generally content
I've actually had a lovely two days full of social activity, relaxing, cooking, and being creative. However, as always, I live a two-track existence; parallel to my real life, a world of food and control steams ahead. The last two days definitely have not been perfect or even 'good' in terms of eating.I've noticed that there is a really high element of spontaneity to my choices - in other words I lack impulse control. When I was seeing the psychologist, her solution was as simple as trying to delay the impulse and 'ride out' the wave. I think this is what I have to work on.
There have been other impulsive decisions too. One of the mains reasons that I'm feeling really uneasy is that I spent more than $500 at a sale today, after having spent a lot of money over the past few weeks. This is a bit unusual for me as I would normally consider myself someone who is quite prudent when it comes to clothes shopping - sure I love fashion but I don't go around snapping everything up. I'm hoping to rein this in by simply not going clothes shopping in the next while. I have goals to save for a house and it definitely doesn't make me feel good when I take actions that impede those goals. Other impulsive decisions include staying up til 3:30am to read a book, and dropping things mid-task.
That being said, I did try to work on my thought patterns a bit (yes, I'm aware of how weak and pathetic that sentence sounds). It was a slight shock to remember that I didn't have to have a cookie now because I could have a cookie anytime I wanted.
I think what I need to do now is plan out my meals and provide myself with some more structure, and practice rebuffing impulses.
Man this must be boring to read. Here, I'm presently reading Zadie Smith's review of The Social Network, which I'd read before but I wanted to appreciate her writing.
I'm also enjoying the song Love Me Less by One Day.
I also loooove going to beautiful cafes with friends in a way that has nothing to do with my food problems.
Things I did for my self-care included: going for walks, seeing friends, cooking a delicious healthy meal, reading an enjoyable book, sleeping in, beginning to sort through my wardrobe.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Day 2
Day 2.
My intentions for today are:
- to move slowly
- to enjoy the company of the people I am meeting
- to drink as much water as my body needs
- to not binge
- to not restrict my diet to low-carb
I really like the 'this week I'm seeking pleasure by...' segment from Mara Glatzel. I personally am not sure if seeking pleasure is the key component to having a good life, so I might change it to 'today I'm looking after myself by...':
- seeing my best friends
- enjoying some ballet
- listening to some music that I enjoy - but in the afternoon, not the evening
- getting as much sleep as I need - 10 luxurious hours
- putting on makeup for the first time since Friday
- taking the time to sit down around 6pm and thinking thoughtfully about how I want to spend my evening (so that it doesn't get wasted browsing websites)
This bit was actually harder to write than I thought. Apart from food, the first thing that pops into my head are all the tasks I have to do: unpack my clothes, mail things, finish listening to a lecture, buy paint etc etc. Surely I'm looking after myself by ticking off boxes? Yet somehow I don't think that's what is meant by self-care.
My intentions for today are:
- to move slowly
- to enjoy the company of the people I am meeting
- to drink as much water as my body needs
- to not binge
- to not restrict my diet to low-carb
I really like the 'this week I'm seeking pleasure by...' segment from Mara Glatzel. I personally am not sure if seeking pleasure is the key component to having a good life, so I might change it to 'today I'm looking after myself by...':
- seeing my best friends
- enjoying some ballet
- listening to some music that I enjoy - but in the afternoon, not the evening
- getting as much sleep as I need - 10 luxurious hours
- putting on makeup for the first time since Friday
- taking the time to sit down around 6pm and thinking thoughtfully about how I want to spend my evening (so that it doesn't get wasted browsing websites)
This bit was actually harder to write than I thought. Apart from food, the first thing that pops into my head are all the tasks I have to do: unpack my clothes, mail things, finish listening to a lecture, buy paint etc etc. Surely I'm looking after myself by ticking off boxes? Yet somehow I don't think that's what is meant by self-care.
Day 1
It's nice to watch something like that to make you come back home to yourself.
My life has changed a lot in the last few months. I moved, started a new job, spent all my free time looking for another job, didn't get a lot of jobs, finally got a job, and came home. I met people who changed my perspective on things. I matured a bit. I started to feel a lot more comfortable with (and in) myself. I binged haaaard, for weeks on end. I went on a month-long diet. I cried a lot about different things. I enjoyed myself on occasion. I felt stuck and frustrated, but also ok about some things.
Two days ago I moved home and will start the new job in two weeks. I think this is a great time to try and work on my eating again. It sounds like an excuse, and it is an excuse, but in the last few months I just didn't feel like I had the stability - I was constantly flying all over the east coast of Australia, constantly stressed out. Now I can re-establish some semblance of routine.
So what I do know is this: the low-carb diet helped me to lose weight, sure, but it also turned me into a crazy lady (and also one who ate a lot more red meat and a lot fewer vegetables). I'm not going to do that again, no matter how much other people want me to. I seriously think that the thought of continued dieting, or the shame of not successfully dieting, is one of the biggest triggers there is. The thought of having to restrict my social life because of dieting is worse. I am not a big drinker at all - in fact I would happily give up alcohol forever if asked - but I don't like the thought that I can't do something. Likewise, financially I am probably not in a position to eat out much anymore, but I don't like being told that I can't. I'm just so bloody sick of panicking every time I make plans with a friend about what the food there might be.
One of the other biggest triggers I encountered was boredom at work (and easy access to the chocolate stands). Being bored drives me out of my mind, and snacks really helped me get through it. Hopefully with the new job it won't be as much of an issue, but I still need to work out other ways to cope with boredom in case it does come up.
Another trigger was disorganisation or not preparing nice meals. I often get hungry around 4:30, not tummy rumbles but faint I'm-going-to-be-sick-if-I-don't-eat-type hungry. If I don't have food on hand, I will go and find food.
A fourth trigger was just not drinking enough water or exercising enough. I drink a fair amount of water but I am a camel and probably need more than two litres a day. I didn't exercise because I was constantly stressed about the job situation and felt like all my free time should be devoted to getting a job - this 'siege' mentality crops up a fair bit in my life, and it's one I really need to get over.
I'm going to try and blog every day, no matter how banal the results are. My aim is to be in track and to book in another session with the psychologist in two months. I emailed her a while ago to say that I didn't want to have another session until I had put in the hard work myself and was genuinely "in a place" (a wanky phrase, but still) where I needed help making the next step. In fact, I may call tomorrow to set up an appointment for the end of August as an incentive.
So how am I feeling now? Happy to be home, and also happy that my social life is stirring up again after a dull few months in the other city. I am still a bit sad about leaving my first job as I became (unexpectedly) quite emotionally attached to my roles and especially my first supervisor. I'm dealing with this by just letting myself be sad. I also feel quite body confident right now despite being well into one of my higher sizes, I'm not sure why but this seems to be linked into feeling quite confident and grown-up overall. I feel a bit annoyed with a friend or former friend, but unlike the past I am just trying to leave it and let it go. And finally, I feel a teensy bit anxious about the new job - longer hours, less pay, not really that qualified for it. End of day 1. Taking it one day at a time indeed.
My life has changed a lot in the last few months. I moved, started a new job, spent all my free time looking for another job, didn't get a lot of jobs, finally got a job, and came home. I met people who changed my perspective on things. I matured a bit. I started to feel a lot more comfortable with (and in) myself. I binged haaaard, for weeks on end. I went on a month-long diet. I cried a lot about different things. I enjoyed myself on occasion. I felt stuck and frustrated, but also ok about some things.
Two days ago I moved home and will start the new job in two weeks. I think this is a great time to try and work on my eating again. It sounds like an excuse, and it is an excuse, but in the last few months I just didn't feel like I had the stability - I was constantly flying all over the east coast of Australia, constantly stressed out. Now I can re-establish some semblance of routine.
So what I do know is this: the low-carb diet helped me to lose weight, sure, but it also turned me into a crazy lady (and also one who ate a lot more red meat and a lot fewer vegetables). I'm not going to do that again, no matter how much other people want me to. I seriously think that the thought of continued dieting, or the shame of not successfully dieting, is one of the biggest triggers there is. The thought of having to restrict my social life because of dieting is worse. I am not a big drinker at all - in fact I would happily give up alcohol forever if asked - but I don't like the thought that I can't do something. Likewise, financially I am probably not in a position to eat out much anymore, but I don't like being told that I can't. I'm just so bloody sick of panicking every time I make plans with a friend about what the food there might be.
One of the other biggest triggers I encountered was boredom at work (and easy access to the chocolate stands). Being bored drives me out of my mind, and snacks really helped me get through it. Hopefully with the new job it won't be as much of an issue, but I still need to work out other ways to cope with boredom in case it does come up.
Another trigger was disorganisation or not preparing nice meals. I often get hungry around 4:30, not tummy rumbles but faint I'm-going-to-be-sick-if-I-don't-eat-type hungry. If I don't have food on hand, I will go and find food.
A fourth trigger was just not drinking enough water or exercising enough. I drink a fair amount of water but I am a camel and probably need more than two litres a day. I didn't exercise because I was constantly stressed about the job situation and felt like all my free time should be devoted to getting a job - this 'siege' mentality crops up a fair bit in my life, and it's one I really need to get over.
I'm going to try and blog every day, no matter how banal the results are. My aim is to be in track and to book in another session with the psychologist in two months. I emailed her a while ago to say that I didn't want to have another session until I had put in the hard work myself and was genuinely "in a place" (a wanky phrase, but still) where I needed help making the next step. In fact, I may call tomorrow to set up an appointment for the end of August as an incentive.
So how am I feeling now? Happy to be home, and also happy that my social life is stirring up again after a dull few months in the other city. I am still a bit sad about leaving my first job as I became (unexpectedly) quite emotionally attached to my roles and especially my first supervisor. I'm dealing with this by just letting myself be sad. I also feel quite body confident right now despite being well into one of my higher sizes, I'm not sure why but this seems to be linked into feeling quite confident and grown-up overall. I feel a bit annoyed with a friend or former friend, but unlike the past I am just trying to leave it and let it go. And finally, I feel a teensy bit anxious about the new job - longer hours, less pay, not really that qualified for it. End of day 1. Taking it one day at a time indeed.
Andie Mitchell's TED Talk
It's been a while, huh.
I'm frustrated by the fact that I can't embed Andie Mitchell's wonderful TED talk (on how losing weight does not make life better, and does not help you to deal with feelings), but please do watch it. The link is here.
I'm frustrated by the fact that I can't embed Andie Mitchell's wonderful TED talk (on how losing weight does not make life better, and does not help you to deal with feelings), but please do watch it. The link is here.
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