Body image

Bit annoyed at myself today. I really craved mud cake after someone sent me a picture of one they made, so I thought I'd pop down to the local bakery (yes, the same one that produced the crappy caramel slice) as I've seen one they have in the window. Impulsively, I bought a croissant as well (I have a real problem with impulsivity). Surprise surprise... it was absolutely terrible. I took a few bites then threw the rest in the bin. The croissant was basically just white bread, but I did end up eating it with jam, which is what frustrates me. The jam made me feel a bit sickly. It definitely wasn't a binge, and for that I feel grateful and relatively relaxed about it. But still, would be better if I didn't do that.

Body image
In the last year or so, I've completely repressed thoughts about what I look like because it just distressed me too much. I was in a place where everyone was obsessed with their appearance and dieting and beauty, and the girls were so beautiful that it crushed me. Meanwhile my weight was shooting up, my skin was awful, and my hair had been mutilated in a horrible haircut.

I seem to read two perspectives. One says that everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to feel beautiful. The other says that beauty is an outdated social construct and we should ignore it altogether. If I didn't have to attract a partner I think I could live pretty happily on either of those principles. However, the reality is that eventually I have to find someone and get married, and to do that I have to attract a partner, and to do that I have to think about my own physical attractiveness.

I've started to try and look through the fat acceptance movement, but it all seems to be focused on internal confidence. That's great, but then I get smacked in the face by real life: friends who make fun of fat girls, documentaries on online dating that tell us that women fear meeting a serial killer whilst men fear meeting a fat girl, TV show after TV show makes it clear that the way I look is viewed as disgusting. Comments I read claim that if I were just more confident, just more bubbly and outgoing, someone would be willing to look past my size. That clashes strongly with my experience, where men are only willing to have anything to do with me as a last resort because they are desperate.

I am not morbidly obese, but fat enough that I can't get away with being cute or chubby or curvy, about 30kg above my set weight. And I'm not one of those girls whose fat squeezes itself in ways that make their stomachs a bit flatter and their busts a bit bigger, I am fat all over, from a round high stomach to wobby arms to thighs that stick together and a double chin. To be honest, when I don't have to be accountable to anyone, I feel comfortable. I don't care about any of these things, and if anything I like my sturdy legs and the arms that I sometimes nap on. Furthermore, I'm not ugly; apart from my weight I am probably quite pretty. I'm vain about that sometimes, especially when by myself.

I don't really know what to do. I suppose there's nothing I can do other than improve my own self-confidence and kind of ignore this whole issue. I feel a bit sad though that I have to miss out on what my other friends get to enjoy. Part of me wants to hope that I'm being self-pitying and that I'll meet someone who couldn't care less about what I look like, but it feels like false hope.

But you know, I'm watching a story on TV now about a person who suffers from a disability that affects his legs and created facial deformities, who has completely gotten past all that through the strength of his personality alone. It makes me feel embarrassed to have such petty concerns. Also, he had no problem finding a partner, so maybe I need to just chill out and believe people who say that confidence and being a nice person is the most important thing.