Self-care

Some days you are so pumped to get healthy and recover, or it feels so easy that you don't even think about it. Other days (or weeks) you have to white-knuckle it. These days I am white-knuckling it, and it is hard. My house is a disgusting mess because I haven't cleaned it in almost two weeks, I only shower if I have to leave the house (which is about once a week right now because I live alone), and I don't even care. I'm past caring about the vegetables I bought a couple of weeks ago and failed to eat. I tried to go for a run yesterday and gave up after three minutes, walking instead. At yoga the teacher repeatedly asked me if I was OK, I don't know why but I must have been emanating not-OK-ness. I am not overly emotional or feeling crazy, but I know this not caring means something is not right. And it's going to get worse because for the next 2 months I have to go into lockdown mode before handing in my final project.

I don't think this will end well unless I commit to self-care for the next 2 months. That will mean:
1. Daily meditation
2. Daily exercise - even if just a walk
3. Daily tidying of the house
4. Daily allocating a set time not to study - just for reading, watching TV, whatever. I know I study best first thing in the morning, and then after dinner. So maybe late afternoon up til dinner can be my time off.
5. Daily looking after myself.
6. Planning meals in advance.

It's a bit hard because in the past I would feel really crazily out of control so I would write lists like this, but then I wouldn't achieve them and feel like a total failure and then spiral further out of control, etc etc, the circle of life continues. But now it's coming from a different place, of self-care rather than bullying myself to try to "be normal".

It's also been hard for me to justify spending so much time and energy thinking about things like mental health, emotional health, self care etc. It feels a) really self-indulgent; and b) a waste of time from more 'important pursuits' like keeping on top of politics, which is something I love but often get overwhelmed about (there is just too much stuff to follow). It feels weird to accept mental health, body image etc as a legitimate area of interest, academic or personal. Maybe this is a sign that I need to think more about what my interests actually are instead of labelling myself. We'll see.