Roadbumps

Feeling so sick and anxious right now. The idea of recovery just seems so far away because I have so many character flaws to work through. I'm anxious because I think of all the ways people don't like me, I push people away with what I do or say, I've stopped being an extroverted person, I rub people the wrong way. I'm scared of people judging me not worthy of being with them, which they have in the past (yes, stuck in the past, deal with it). I have a nice time with people, and then I do something and say something wrong, and it all goes away. I live in fear of the next wrong move I make. I wish I could be comfortable with people's unconditional love and support, but the only people who will ever love me unconditionally are my family, and that's not enough for me. Everything feels like a veiled criticism and I can't do enough to meet it or shirk it.

My eating won't sort itself out until I sort out all these other issues. I almost feel like my disorder won't go away until I become a better, if not a "perfect", person - and yep I know there is no such thing logically. I feel overwhelmed because there is so much personality change involved. This is all very self-pitying, sure, but I feel like even being me is a burden to bear because of the stigma attached to it.

The book I'm reading is about trying to work out why women are invested in staying fat. I certainly have a number of fears about losing weight, and I hope to be working through them soon.