Disconnected thoughts

These last few days have been weird. In terms of eating, I've felt pretty intuitive, not overthinking things. I've turned down so many things, just because I knew that I didn't feel like it. However, today I passed a bakery that had been recommended to me, they had sample brownies, and I bought one. I wasn't hungry at that time, so I waited until I felt like a snack, and then I ate it. But I still feel bad, because a brownie is not an ideal snack nor one that people should eat every day. Have I failed somehow?

I visited my doctor, who is a leading PCOS specialist in this city. I was so stressed that she was going to berate me for not losing weight, but she was so nice and gentle that I came out feeling a lot better. I haven't seen my therapist in two weeks because she was sick and that made me anxious, but I think I'll be OK. I have been bursting to see her, feeling like a raw nerve, or like I've been broken down and am awaiting being built back up. I've had other moments of anxiety, comparing myself to others, feeling like I've lost the race. I feel the anxiety and move on. Kind of.

I'm at my parents' home for the next week. Weight and food is a touchy topic here and that is frustrating to deal with, even though I love being here otherwise. One family member has strong views that are totally incorrect - weight loss is everything etc, fat people are undisciplined etc etc, stop eating etc etc etc and refuse to see that what they are doing is shaming. I guess in my life I'm going to encounter a lot of people like this, so there's nothing I can do. I just wish there was a way I could educate people. There probably is, I just haven't figured out how to do that yet.

Today has been weird, too. I felt pretty and stared at my reflection constantly, coquettishly winking at myself. Surely that's doing body acceptance wrong; if I enjoy my beauty, then I will hurt ten times more tomorrow when it is gone. (Also, if I value beauty, then I have no value.) My beauty is fleeting and arbitrary, depending on the light and makeup and hair and day and hour. I've come to realise how often I look at myself, with baited breath, holding myself in position after position trying to will myself thin. Even though I have almost always been fat, I have never accepted myself as such. It sounds stupid but I would feel scared that people would 'discover' that I was fat if I wore a certain outfit. Now I know that I am fat, and I have no other choice but to accept that reality and own it.

Finally, I feel guilty for not exercising and practicing 10min mindfulness regularly. I know that exercise is part of Health At Every Size, and one of the intuitive eating principles. My therapist recommends it, my doctor recommends it. I love running and it always makes me feel better. Sometimes I'm not fighting against my emotional issues, I'm fighting against my laziness, and I always know the difference.

I shouldn't be dumping this stuff on the internet, but it's the easiest avenue for me, so as long as people don't find out that I'm writing here.